One of the somewhat frustrating and often stressful aspects of living in Germany is the fact that all shops are closed Sundays, which means that one has to plan everything ahead of time and cut plans short on Saturdays to take care of any purchases that need to be made. In the past, I used my Sundays as sleep, lab, or cleaning days, but today for the first time, I've decided to actually use it as a true rest day. This is of course difficult given my tendency to need some sort of "pressure" around me and to keep moving forward. The fact that I have a lab presentation to give on Wednesday as well as a German essay to write are not helpful in this regard. Nevertheless, I've resolved to spend the day actually enjoying the patio furniture that I have, sitting outside, and (gasp!) reading a book or two.
On a day like this, my brain is often left to run wild with all sorts of philosophical thoughts, usually completely disorganized and a thematic hodgepodge. In the midst of all this mental chatter & noise is what I believe to be the true root of my talkative brain: the frustration I feel at what I see as damaging or harmful forces in our society today and consequently the sense of helplessness and being overwhelmed that I feel in terms of what my tiny role in this imperfect society can be. In the end, I feel as though my previous decision to pursue science & research is now actually a refuge, a place where things are relatively neutral so that I can avoid having to choose from such a myriad of problems what I actually wish to dedicate my life to fixing. But I don't feel comfortable being so neutral and unhelpful any more. While the science & impartiality section of my brain tells me that the policies we make in this world are not for right & wrong, better or worse, but simply for different options that ultimately benefit some and harm others, I cannot fully concede a sense of satisfaction or acquiescence with what I see.
Reading is a pasttime I've just recently re-discovered, having spent too many years overwhelmed with "obligatory tasks" that I haven't had the time to stretch my mental muscles on my own. This is coming at a really opportune time since my beliefs in the world are expanding and just when I need additional fodder for thought. I do believe that there is a "better" out there, regardless of how inalienable the elusive criteria for "betterment" may be. I'm excited to be able to put this Sunday, as well as maybe some more future Sundays, to good use in discovering whose voices in history resonate well with mine, and if not, why not, as well as whether these sorts of mental workouts will be a hobby or a new career passion that I'm beginning to wonder if I have at all.
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